I’ve got a post about Joshua Tree National Park. A gorgeous desert with mountains and these oddly shaped tree-like things and piles of rocks. But it kind of begs some backstory. That’s why the Deserts title is plural.
I’m moving to New Mexico in April. And I have no plan- but I feel okay about that. My sister-friend is so graciously and lovingly offering her spare bedroom as a temporary safe-haven for me to reside in and “figure life out” for a spell. Things are comfortable here in the bay area, but I have officially admitted that I’ve lost my liveliness. That beaming confidence about my life choices and energy for just being, it’s fading- and I want it back. I love love love coaching gymnastics, but not like this. I’m working tremendously long days, with a big commute, and at the low-end of the totem pole in an overly expensive and competitive housing market. I am trying to write the wrongs, but it takes time (and luck) to job search, apply for fellowships, find the perfect housing arrangement, and get in enough ocean time. And that has me up at 5am to do that work before actual work, foregoing my lunch breaks, and sneaking into UC Berkeley cafes to pull all-nighters filling out applications, camouflaged as college kid. It’s become too much. I am totally willing to move back to this area, but I’ve got a mental checklist of things that’ll have to change for that to happen.
Am I excited? Not especially. But I don’t really care about that. I’m going to force myself to face myself and buy some time to do Me. And yeah, I’m so so so fortunate to have that opportunity, I think most only dream of being able to “escape” life for a minute like that. I’m going to write so many things, nerd-out on grad schools, and get enough sleep. I have not a clue what is next. I don’t have any answers to questions about my next steps. I’m getting a better idea of where I want to go, and I happened to snag a job writing remotely for a health-blog, so things are looking up. It’s weird to feel that things are looking up as I sell all my belongings and pack up my life, yet again, and dive into unknown territory. I’ll know one person within maybe 500 miles, but it’s still looking up. I’ll be a full days drive from any ocean, but things are looking up. I’ll be pulled apart from my wonderful boyfriend, and somehow, somehow things seem to be looking up. I realized that many aspects of my life needed a change, so I’m making it, while closing my eyes tight and hoping it doesn’t hurt too much.
And that’ll be my first desert essay. In a little over a month my little Hyundai and I will be trekking across the country and pulling into a street just south of the university in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I don’t plan to start a “new life” there, but I’m really crossing my fingers that I can heal that little light inside me and get it all charged up and ready for what’s next. As an octopus friend of mine told me this weekend, “you’ve got to keep that feeling of being alive alive. that’s what it’s for” –